Here's a letter from a misused British citizen to his telecommunications
provider. Those of us with a less-developed sense of style and a humbler
command of the lingo can only wistfully aspire to such heights of reasoned
complaint.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without
warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive
at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold
music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look
at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small
degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at
which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some
two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone
calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of
your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between
about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods
over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made nine telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this
week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or
not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter,
as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore,
and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to
attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer
to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they
had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that
no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum: incompetents
of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine
like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up
on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.
I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to
extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will
quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of
bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your
miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
unhelpful bunch of twats,